day at the beach 08/31/25: is loving a man right.

After having a sad day alone in my apartment with my lover gone on his own beach trip. shortly after our break up and the day after a very turbulent tell-all fight, I decided to go to the beach at 4 pm.

I took the a train, messed up directions along the way. got on the wrong bus, left the wrong train, but I made it. I found a place by the rocks and sat for hours, thinking, crying over and over again about it all. I moved to a new city for a man, and not by his choice but he let me down again. as hard as he tried not to i guess.

Forgiveness makes the best fool of me yet again.

My entire time at the beach I dreamt of him biking to me and fixing everything with a few short sentences. Every 3 minutes this would play in mind over and over. I started picking rocks to give to him, all the green ones.. not that he would appreciate it. I then started picking other colors of rocks for myself, my bag was so heavy on the way home. Felt like I left the beach barren when i left.

Time went by, people were leaving, night fell and the beach was all mine. i was listening to 'a vritet parvasia' dancing in the moon lit water alone, not even the lifeguards around. I then at the height of the moon, got on my knees and started fully praying in arabic to the moon. the way my mother taught me growing up. although i dont practice islam anymore, its still ingrained in me.. so i started praying to th half moon, the phase that means the most to me coincidentally.

Crying my eyes out singing and praying.

Seletullah Selemullah Seletullah Selemullah

Alejke aresul Allah Alejke a habib Allah

Alejke aresul Allah Alejke a habib Allah

It felt so cathartic, I was praying for Gaza, I was praying for me, I was praying for every unfortunate being in this world I was praying for the past lives of kosovar genoicde survivors. For my family. for the future of my mother.

I couldn’t get myself to leave. I spent the remainder of my time dancing and singing in the water, with all my clothes on. then I came home to a broken relationship that I fought so hard for... after all of this my mind focuses on a relationship with a man... its so embarrassing.. as a woman with such a background as mine to be so in love with a man. contrary to that my favorite female artists are those who sing about their devout passion to the men in their life with no shame. the dichotomy of girl thought lol... it just pains me to think of what i saw growing up seeing what my mother went through as an albanian woman who fled from genocide with my father and her 6 kids before me, to come to this country and have her american born daughter throw so much of her time away to a man. i've spent a decade, now that i'm 25, in and out of relationships. as beauitful as they were i have to be "logical" in the way of thinking how despicable it is as a modern woman with an eastern background. a background of struggle in all ways, from class to gender to domestic,,,, to be down bad over a man...

and to get out the way now this is a linear thought train, ultimately i understand there's space for love and passion in me and in all women, but im not talking about that right now... thats an already established reality.

the idea here that combats with my way of life is that being with a man is disrespectful to my ancestors. and what they went through as well as my sisters and my mother, my grandmothers. as beautiful as being in love is, the good and the bad. as much as i dont regret anything. as magnetic as love is and i could never be devoid of it... i cant help but feel this way.

i can only hope if i ever had a daughter she'd never get involved with a man, she'd be to smart. she'd be to sure of her path, she'd be to free. she'd be to loving.